One Type Of Attraction Causes Pain, The Other Leads To Love, Here’s The Difference
We are taught that if a person is not attracted to someone immediately, they never will. For instance, a girl who was attracted to arrogant boys did not appreciate being treated with no respect.
However, she found bad boys very seductive, and nice boys never turned her on. Even though she wanted to get married and have a family, the ones she liked were not a type who would realize her dreams.
And, sadly, the ones that were marriage material did not excite her. Maybe you relate to this situation because we all have our own types: an emotional type, a personality type, and a physical type.
We find these people alluring, they trigger our longings and insecurities. We feel like we have to do something in order to win their care, love, or approval, and this is called attraction of deprivation.
Sometimes we notice red flags, but we cannot stop ourselves. And, sometimes, the possible harmful aspects of the relationship take time to show up. Anyway, sooner or later the not really positive qualities come to light.
You will reveal that your partner may be a cheater, a liar, not there for you when you need them etc., and in the worst case scenario, they may be addicted to substances, or have some type of a psychological disorder.
But, why is not easy to break free from these painful attractions? According to behavioral theorists, it is because of a system named “intermittent reward system.”
So, in this system, you get rewarded occasionally, and you cannot control when you will get the reward. It is not that easy to break free from these “rewards,” and a great example is gambling.
Also, attractions of deprivation are an excellent way to escape real intimacy. The fear of intimacy is hidden, and people are searching for love from a person that will not give it to them, so they are “safe.”
Usually, these people are feeling afraid, angry, or unworthy when confronted with an available, stable, and kind partner. They feel uncomfortable around caring people.
Often, attractions of deprivation are a result of the fear of power and love. In order to have a lasting love, you need to learn the difference between “attraction of inspiration” and “attraction of deprivation.” And, you should follow only the first one.
Even though seems simple, most of us need many years to understand this truth. You need to pay attention and be patient to recognize attractions of inspiration.
Also, in this relationship, the goal is to accept and give back our partner’s caring, you should not be trying to win it. The real sense of being fuels attractions of inspiration. And, they become richer as time goes by.
In order to recognize attraction of inspiration, ask yourself the next questions:
- Am I inspired by my partner’s acceptance and caring?
- Am I inspired by my partner’s integrity, goodness, and decency?
- Do I love my partner because of his personality?
- Are we capable of doing the hard work of solving the problems in our relationship?
- Do I like myself in presence of my partner?
- Do they make me a better version of myself?
If you do not find yourself in a relationship of inspiration, do not worry, it does not mean you cannot. You just have to date in a wiser way. Look for inspiration as much as you look for physical attraction.
These relationships help us overcome many problems in our life. Our partner should be a person who inspires us to be as better as we can.